The Deception of my Mind

My mind amazes me.   It is a slippery slope of self-will, egomaniacal random thoughts, deep desires for security and lasting happiness, regret, and hope.  It seems hard to get a real grasp on it all.  My mind is being renewed, but there is still that something inside me that has a will of it’s own.  A will to sin.  But also a will to please God.  It’s difficult to understand why someone who has been as blessed as I am would ever choose a lower road. I often ask myself why God hasn’t just killed me, or at least given up on me. 

I know that He loves me.  I didn’t choose Him.  I didn’t go looking for Him.  I was living a life of rebellion in the very things that God hates.  And He came to me.  He interrupted my life.   He woke me up.  Why?  I was not worth saving.  I was not worth pursuing.  There are so many others that have so much more to offer.  But here I sit.  His child.  Amazing.  Hard to believe.  But true.  There is a reality to my relationship with Him.  But there is also the sad reality of sin and what to do about it.  If you would have asked me thirty years ago if this new life I was living would entail a thirty year struggle with sin, I would have laughed.  You couldn’t have paid me to go back to that life.  And I haven’t.  Except to taste it now and then, here and there.  I know all of the theological answers.  I have been pastoring for over twenty years.  I  have taught people how to overcome sin.  The answer is in the cross.  There is a reality and a power there that I have experienced.  But I also find myself having to go back there again and again.  What a patient God. 



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